George Bush's Economic Analysis Averts National Disaster

Republicans and Democrats Observed Copulating

Whew! That was a close one. Here I was all week worrying about the demise of the economy. What would happen to my extensive securities portfolio, I wondered. How would I support my wife AND my mistress? What third-world country would I have to go to now for my elective bowel resection? I can tell you, I was in a pickle of a worry. I shit you not.

Good job then that George Bush has something those Wall Street muckety-fucks couldn't git with any amount of their so-called book-learnin': it's called folk wisdom, and you can't pick it, and it don't grow out of the earth, and you can't slaughter it like an abattoir full of protein units. No sir, you have to be born with folk wisdom.

See, it's in your bone, way down in your bone, right next to where they make your white blood cells. An X-Ray of his cranium reveals that George Bush possesses a special quantity of the stuff, and I can prove it. You know that old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"? Well according to George Bush, in Texas they have a similar saying. Only, it goes, "Fool me once...won't get fooled again."

How in the world did George know that? My guess would have been that in Texas, they say it like they say it everywhere else, but it seems I'd be as wrong as a McCain-Palin-Paulson menage a trois. You want to know the reason George knew the right answer and I didn't? You got that right, buddy, George Bush's carrying around an unusual amount of folk wisdom upstairs.

Indeed, if I slipped George Bush a Rufinol while we were having a beer together--as has been my desire since the 2000 election and the very reason I voted for him in the first place--if I slipped him a roofie, then dragged him to the bathroom and gave him a tympanning, I'd bet you dollars to donuts that I'd be able to scoop out 1.3 kilograms of gelatinous, but beautiful, folk wisdom.

As I started to say, I was getting worried earlier this week over what the government would do about the economy. It didn't look like we could rely on the usual bipartisan leadership that's defined Congress throughout the Bush years. I guess I just took it for granted that the Democrats would cooperate with the Republicans after the Right called the Left a bunch of child molesting Communists who have never satisfactorily explained why they hate America. This time, it was different, and the Democrats refused to cave outright to the Treasury Secretary's modest request. It looked like we were headed for an impasse.

But now, it doesn't look so bad to me anymore thanks to George W Bush's folk wisdom. For on Thursday night, in just a few words, he let me know that once again, the grown-ups are in charge of Washington and I wouldn't have to worry about any credit freeze.

“If money isn’t loosened up," Bush said, "this sucker could go down.”