Time on My Hands...

...will be time spent with you looking at uncredited pictures from other people's Websites touting their diorama- and model-building skills. This piece to the left is based on Robert A. Heinlein's novel, Starship Troopers. The detail and craftsmanship impress and depress me. Well, that's shooting fish in a barrel. You see, (cue violins) I was diagnosed several months ago with the worst disease to plague mankind since the Spanish Flu epidemic. Yes, I suffer from Dysthymic Disorder, also known as "being alive" or simply, "Irish."

I wanted to kill myself when I found out I was depressed. And I was appalled when I learned first-hand just how little our society pays attention to my suffering. Did you know the government spends billions of dollars every year on research into things like cancer, but not one penny on why I don't like going to work after a three-day weekend? I was as outraged as you are, no doubt, but unlike you, I decided to do something about it.

Dysthymix is the result. It calls attention to a plight that effects so many people, for all I know, but more than that: it calls attention to me, and if it's true what they say, that what excites the writer excites the reader, then you must be on the edge of your seat by now, like I am, wondering what I'll say next.

My blog will save your life. You see, around the time that I received my terrible diagnosis, I also gave up smoking. I found I no longer had the attention or focus to work on my usual fiction. In a manner of speaking, I wouldn't have even thought to start Dysthymix.com if I hadn't given up cigarettes, so ironically, quitting smoking may turn out to be the best thing to happen to me after all. Because when I realized I couldn't concentrate on writing my serious pornographic short stories anymore, I discovered the composition and verse you read in my periodic "Poems Worth (a) Shit" series. But my favorite thing of all is my whimsical musing, which includes, as of today, some entertaining, yet vital insight into scale-models and dioramas.

The scene depicted in the picture below is part of a relatively large diorama at the Artillery Ridge campground in Gettysburg, PA near the site of that self-titled Civil War battle fought from July 1 to July 3, 1863. Artillery Ridge is a place where you can sleep in a tent, ride horses and have a history lesson crammed down your throat while you attempt to enjoy your vacation. Artillery Ridge brags that it's "the closest campground to the battlefield!!!" and features a diorama, "800 square feet of model display!" with "Roughly 20,000 hand painted soldiers, horses, buildings, etc!" and "a bird's eye view of the battle in its entirety!" not to mention an embarrassment of riches in exclamation points.

Setting aside the spatial-temporal paradox of instantly viewing, in its entirety, a battle that was fought over the course of three days, I really think this idea has wings. Artillery Ridge makes history fun again!* And realistic too. I can almost smell the putrification of 50,000 decomposing bits of cannon fodder of the profiteering merchant bankers and plantation-owning slavers. Although, that might just be my upper lip. Anyway, I digress. History isn't about analysis. In the case of this diorama, it's about neutering carnage by the miniaturization process, which either transforms horror into hobby-horse or, considering the diorama's exquisite attention to uniforms, troop movements and pickets, solemnifies death and destruction in its reliquary echo of the battlefield to which it refers. Or it's a way to get some free air conditioning for a few minutes in preparation for the short, but nevertheless excruciating trek to the visitor's air conditioned SUV in the parking lot.

Editor's note: Today's blog is dedicated to my sister. Happy Birthday Jessica!

*Exclamation mark courtesy of Artillery Ridge.